The burden
The beautiful morning of winter reminds me of the lines by Bill Watterson’s, “I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.” But in my case I shouldn’t use the word “mood”. Rather I should say, a bad “life”. A life, which I should call, a nightmare. Every single day I regret for everything especially for this “life”.
There is a beautiful lawn in the house. I love the flowers. Nature always attracts me.
The trees, the birds, the clouds, the whole existence is joyful. Everything is simply happy. Trees are happy for no reason; Look at the flowers. It is simply unbelievable how happy the flowers are.
I remember the village and the house where I was born. The entire world seemed to be mine when I was a child. There were millions of dreams in eyes. Might be that’s the difference between a child and a grown up. According to them the thought of a child is always foolish. Foolish or whatever, I was happy! Happy with myself and then, one day I lost myself. They clipped my wings. Or I should say, they forcefully separated me from my existence and the dreams. I was just seventeen. Like every day I came back from school. My mother gave me the news. They had arranged my marriage in a rich sophisticated family of Jaipur. Their son was the professor in Delhi University. My poor farmer father was overwhelmed to get the proposal. The offer was lucrative enough for a poor farmer’s family. It was the end of my journey on the way to my dreams. They turned off the light of my life. And for the last twenty five years I’ve been living in my dark world.
There is one more thing without which, survival was not possible to me; my one and only hobby, painting. But don’t know why according to everyone those are so depressing. I agree. The life which I am living, it is so difficult to think about “happiness” and “hope”. Even I’ve almost forgotten these words. The cruel destiny has forced me to wipe out these words from the dictionary of my life.
I was having coffee and talking with the flowers. I know it is crazy but I love it. Like every day he comes and by sitting on the chair concentrates in the news paper and coffee. Everybody knows him as my husband, Sushant. But to both of us, we are still strangers. We have been living together under the same roof for the last 25 years, but both we don’t know each other though. Or you can say, we don’t need to. Both we are bearing the burden of this relationship.
“Mom!”
I look back. He is my son, Rohan. He is the only ray of hope in my dark life. In him I try to find myself. In his eyes, I try to see those dreams which I couldn’t fulfill. He is the only reason of my prayer to the God.
“Mom, I need to talk to you.”
“Sure my dear, tell me.”
“Actually I want to talk to both of you.”
Sushant is still busy with his news paper. Probably to him his news paper is more important than his son. I consider his ignorance in my case. But I will never tolerate this kind of attitude of his to my son.
So like a “revolutionary”, I “raised my voice”,
“I think Rohan is more important than this news paper.”
He looks up. It seems like he is seeing us for the first time in his life.
“What?”
“Hello, I’m Sruti and this is my son Rohan. I hope you remember us Dr. Rastogi?”
“Oh please I’m just tired of your teasings. Come to the point. What do you want to say?”
Rohan says, “Thank you dad. Well, I’ve taken a decision. Hope both you will support me. This is the most important decision of my life.”
Sushan says, “Come to the point.”
Rohan continues, “Mom, dad, I’m in love with someone.”
I sprang on the chair and shout, “Oh my God! Oh honey I’m so happy and excited to know who is the lucky girl?”
Sushant seems to be stunned!
“Mom, she is Rima, dad’s friend Prashant uncle’s daughter.”
Sushant shouts, “WHAT?” And then he looks at me.
Whatever I felt twenty five years ago, I’m feeling the same way today. Life has once again ditched me. Twenty five years ago my parents snatched away my dreams from me and today, my own son whom I love more than myself , more than any one else…. I get up, take the car and drive away. Rohan shouts, “Mom! Wait!”
Riverside is the most the favorite place of mine. I prefer to come here when I am blue. But today just one thought is killing me, “I’m all alone in this world. No one is for me. I’ve lost everything including the last asset of mine.” I remember the day when Prashant’s wife came to me. Dr. Prashant Pandey is also a professor in Delhi University. Prashant’s wife told me something which took my breath away. I lost my foot hold. She reviled the secret of Sushant and Prashants’ relationship. They are not just colleagues but there was something between them. She caught them red handed in her bed room. She decided to leave him. But it was not easy enough for me to leave everything. Like her I neither belong to a modern sophisticated family nor a self sufficient career woman. So like her, I couldn’t get rid of this cursed relationship. And today, my own son has fall for the daughter of my husband’s boy friend. Okay he doesn’t know anything about this, so, this is once again I can put the blame on the cruel destiny! I don’t know how I’m supposed to react!
Sitting on the riverside, when I’m trying to figure out everything, someone says, “So this is your favorite place. It is truly beautiful and relaxing. I should have come here”.
I’m shocked to see Sushant! I asked him.
“What are you doing here?”
“Nothing!”
He stops. Both we are silent. After a while he breaks his silence and says,
”You know what? I always wanted to know you. But you never let me to do that.”
“I’m not a celeb or something. There is nothing to know about me.
“You can’t imagine how much I respect you. You could leave me like Prashant’s wife. But you didn’t. I know what would you say; you’d say, you didn’t have any other choice. But I think if you had the choice you wouldn't leave me despite of that. Your kind of woman can never be “ordinary”!“
“How could you be so sure?”
“We have been living together for the last twenty five years. At least I should know this. Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah sure.”
“Why your paintings are so depressing?’
He makes me speechless.
He continues, “I never wanted to ruin anyone’s life. My father forced me to do that. I can never forgive him.”
“But it’s meaningless to talk about that after twenty five years.”
“I know. But I was not courageous enough to go against my father. Also not brave enough to talk to you. Always feel guilty for you. I’m the only person who is responsible to ruin your life.”
“Don’t blame yourself. It all about the destiny. A cruel destiny!”
“Nothing is cool. Just nothing. Can you tell me, which kind of relationship we are in?
“The entire world knows…”
“I don’t care about the entire world. I want to know what do you think.”
“I quit thinking”.
“But I didn’t. You believe it or not but I care for you. Yes I do. I never show my concern because after that incidence I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I wanted to talk but couldn’t. Every single day, every single moment I curse myself.”
“What? Do you really care?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“I’M SORRY.”
“For what?”
“I never tried to understand you. I never wanted to know how you feel. Always like a selfish I calculate what I’ve got and what not.”
“It’s okay. Every one does. You are not self centered. But if you don’t mind then can we start from the beginning? I mean will you be my friend?”
I ‘m stunned! He seems to be a new man to me. I never had any friend. I say, “Yes!”
Sushant touches my hand.
“Mom, please come back. I’m sorry.”
It is Rohan.
I get up and hug him and say, “You don’t need to be sorry, my dear, even I am sorry. Sorry for being so selfish.
“No mom, you are the best mom in the world”.
Sushant says, “I don’t blame you Sruti. Anyone would do the same.”
I say, “Why don’t you invite your girl friend for the lunch on Sunday?”
Rohan seems to be so delighted and he hugged me, “I love you , mom. Of course I will.”
Sushant says, “Hey Rohan, why don’t you join us? I mean if you don’t mind to spend some time with old people like us.”
“Oh dad! I’d love to.”
Sushant continues, “I have a request to Shruti.”
“What?”
“You will never make those depressing sad pictures again.”
“Yeah mom, I agree with dad.”
I smile and say, “All right!”
This is the new beginning of my life in the age of forty four. I’ve got new wings once again today. I’ve got back my dreams. And I’ve got a friend. My best friend, Sushant.
There is a beautiful lawn in the house. I love the flowers. Nature always attracts me.
The trees, the birds, the clouds, the whole existence is joyful. Everything is simply happy. Trees are happy for no reason; Look at the flowers. It is simply unbelievable how happy the flowers are.
I remember the village and the house where I was born. The entire world seemed to be mine when I was a child. There were millions of dreams in eyes. Might be that’s the difference between a child and a grown up. According to them the thought of a child is always foolish. Foolish or whatever, I was happy! Happy with myself and then, one day I lost myself. They clipped my wings. Or I should say, they forcefully separated me from my existence and the dreams. I was just seventeen. Like every day I came back from school. My mother gave me the news. They had arranged my marriage in a rich sophisticated family of Jaipur. Their son was the professor in Delhi University. My poor farmer father was overwhelmed to get the proposal. The offer was lucrative enough for a poor farmer’s family. It was the end of my journey on the way to my dreams. They turned off the light of my life. And for the last twenty five years I’ve been living in my dark world.
There is one more thing without which, survival was not possible to me; my one and only hobby, painting. But don’t know why according to everyone those are so depressing. I agree. The life which I am living, it is so difficult to think about “happiness” and “hope”. Even I’ve almost forgotten these words. The cruel destiny has forced me to wipe out these words from the dictionary of my life.
I was having coffee and talking with the flowers. I know it is crazy but I love it. Like every day he comes and by sitting on the chair concentrates in the news paper and coffee. Everybody knows him as my husband, Sushant. But to both of us, we are still strangers. We have been living together under the same roof for the last 25 years, but both we don’t know each other though. Or you can say, we don’t need to. Both we are bearing the burden of this relationship.
“Mom!”
I look back. He is my son, Rohan. He is the only ray of hope in my dark life. In him I try to find myself. In his eyes, I try to see those dreams which I couldn’t fulfill. He is the only reason of my prayer to the God.
“Mom, I need to talk to you.”
“Sure my dear, tell me.”
“Actually I want to talk to both of you.”
Sushant is still busy with his news paper. Probably to him his news paper is more important than his son. I consider his ignorance in my case. But I will never tolerate this kind of attitude of his to my son.
So like a “revolutionary”, I “raised my voice”,
“I think Rohan is more important than this news paper.”
He looks up. It seems like he is seeing us for the first time in his life.
“What?”
“Hello, I’m Sruti and this is my son Rohan. I hope you remember us Dr. Rastogi?”
“Oh please I’m just tired of your teasings. Come to the point. What do you want to say?”
Rohan says, “Thank you dad. Well, I’ve taken a decision. Hope both you will support me. This is the most important decision of my life.”
Sushan says, “Come to the point.”
Rohan continues, “Mom, dad, I’m in love with someone.”
I sprang on the chair and shout, “Oh my God! Oh honey I’m so happy and excited to know who is the lucky girl?”
Sushant seems to be stunned!
“Mom, she is Rima, dad’s friend Prashant uncle’s daughter.”
Sushant shouts, “WHAT?” And then he looks at me.
Whatever I felt twenty five years ago, I’m feeling the same way today. Life has once again ditched me. Twenty five years ago my parents snatched away my dreams from me and today, my own son whom I love more than myself , more than any one else…. I get up, take the car and drive away. Rohan shouts, “Mom! Wait!”
Riverside is the most the favorite place of mine. I prefer to come here when I am blue. But today just one thought is killing me, “I’m all alone in this world. No one is for me. I’ve lost everything including the last asset of mine.” I remember the day when Prashant’s wife came to me. Dr. Prashant Pandey is also a professor in Delhi University. Prashant’s wife told me something which took my breath away. I lost my foot hold. She reviled the secret of Sushant and Prashants’ relationship. They are not just colleagues but there was something between them. She caught them red handed in her bed room. She decided to leave him. But it was not easy enough for me to leave everything. Like her I neither belong to a modern sophisticated family nor a self sufficient career woman. So like her, I couldn’t get rid of this cursed relationship. And today, my own son has fall for the daughter of my husband’s boy friend. Okay he doesn’t know anything about this, so, this is once again I can put the blame on the cruel destiny! I don’t know how I’m supposed to react!
Sitting on the riverside, when I’m trying to figure out everything, someone says, “So this is your favorite place. It is truly beautiful and relaxing. I should have come here”.
I’m shocked to see Sushant! I asked him.
“What are you doing here?”
“Nothing!”
He stops. Both we are silent. After a while he breaks his silence and says,
”You know what? I always wanted to know you. But you never let me to do that.”
“I’m not a celeb or something. There is nothing to know about me.
“You can’t imagine how much I respect you. You could leave me like Prashant’s wife. But you didn’t. I know what would you say; you’d say, you didn’t have any other choice. But I think if you had the choice you wouldn't leave me despite of that. Your kind of woman can never be “ordinary”!“
“How could you be so sure?”
“We have been living together for the last twenty five years. At least I should know this. Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah sure.”
“Why your paintings are so depressing?’
He makes me speechless.
He continues, “I never wanted to ruin anyone’s life. My father forced me to do that. I can never forgive him.”
“But it’s meaningless to talk about that after twenty five years.”
“I know. But I was not courageous enough to go against my father. Also not brave enough to talk to you. Always feel guilty for you. I’m the only person who is responsible to ruin your life.”
“Don’t blame yourself. It all about the destiny. A cruel destiny!”
“Nothing is cool. Just nothing. Can you tell me, which kind of relationship we are in?
“The entire world knows…”
“I don’t care about the entire world. I want to know what do you think.”
“I quit thinking”.
“But I didn’t. You believe it or not but I care for you. Yes I do. I never show my concern because after that incidence I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I wanted to talk but couldn’t. Every single day, every single moment I curse myself.”
“What? Do you really care?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“I’M SORRY.”
“For what?”
“I never tried to understand you. I never wanted to know how you feel. Always like a selfish I calculate what I’ve got and what not.”
“It’s okay. Every one does. You are not self centered. But if you don’t mind then can we start from the beginning? I mean will you be my friend?”
I ‘m stunned! He seems to be a new man to me. I never had any friend. I say, “Yes!”
Sushant touches my hand.
“Mom, please come back. I’m sorry.”
It is Rohan.
I get up and hug him and say, “You don’t need to be sorry, my dear, even I am sorry. Sorry for being so selfish.
“No mom, you are the best mom in the world”.
Sushant says, “I don’t blame you Sruti. Anyone would do the same.”
I say, “Why don’t you invite your girl friend for the lunch on Sunday?”
Rohan seems to be so delighted and he hugged me, “I love you , mom. Of course I will.”
Sushant says, “Hey Rohan, why don’t you join us? I mean if you don’t mind to spend some time with old people like us.”
“Oh dad! I’d love to.”
Sushant continues, “I have a request to Shruti.”
“What?”
“You will never make those depressing sad pictures again.”
“Yeah mom, I agree with dad.”
I smile and say, “All right!”
This is the new beginning of my life in the age of forty four. I’ve got new wings once again today. I’ve got back my dreams. And I’ve got a friend. My best friend, Sushant.
Golpota ektu onno dhoroner.Besh bhalo laglo.
ReplyDeleteit's like going through a maze:-) well essayed! now i knw, where this lonely river kind of set up originated:-)
ReplyDeletevery good story ... i liked it very much..!! destiny ruins her lyf but for destiny he again gets back her life at he age of 44 !!! truly awesome to think that this is possible..!!!
ReplyDeletethank u so much..
ReplyDelete